I left my house yesterday at 10:30 am and didn’t make it back to around 4 pm. I had a doctor’s appointment, ran an errand, got my car inspected, and stopped at someone’s house to talk about church matters. It didn’t seem like a whole lot of activities. But I’ve been drop-dead exhausted since then.

I’m sure it would have helped if I ate lunch somewhere in those 5.5 hours. It probably also would have helped if I had skipped dinner with my roommate and her parents (or somehow avoided that feeling of depression that hit me the minute after we sat down at the restaurant.) I don’t think the intense conversation with the doctor helped. Neither did the heart-to-heart discussion/critique with the church lady. But still. It’s real life. These things happen. It’s not too much to have them all happen in one day. Or is it?

I’ve basically been in bed resting since the dinner. School starts on Tuesday, and I feel like I need to be doing a whole lot better. And in the back of my mind, I’m wondering if this whole graduate school thing is really a good idea.

At the same time, I wonder if I should be cutting myself some slack. It’s been a crazy month. Realizing that the breast pain that had been haunting me for a month was not normal and seeking medical counsel. Discovering that I probably have a breast infection… the subsequent it’s probably not cancer but keep an eye on it. Visiting a doctor at least every day for almost two weeks straight. Having conversations that included “you must go to the urgent care clinic right now because those are symptoms of a heart attack” only to find out that the horrible chest pain was only “costochondritis” and not much can be done about it (except to monitor it and make sure that it’s not actually a heart attack!) Having people tell me that they can’t believe that I’m still sick. Having other people like Nora offer to fly out here to hold my hand if it turns out to be more serious.

Then, if that hasn’t been enough, my new roommate also moved in this month. I filed a discrimination claim with the university regarding my graduate program. My sister announced that she was moving across the country instead of across the ocean, and she was leaving in days, not weeks. Realizing that the stalemate with my parents had actually gotten worse (something I didn’t think was possible). Seeing Timothy & Grace off and then realizing that my ties to their church was tenuous at best. Emailing, then calling, then accepting a visit from Aaron after I confessed that life itself was harder than ever & I needed help. Seeing four different doctors in one week and grieving with each and every one of them.

On top of all that, depression inflates the isolation I feel by being housebound and misunderstood. As much therapy and medication as I’ve undergone thus far, sometimes it can still be overpowering.

So maybe, it’s not that surprising that I’m exhausted. It’s been a hard month. Lots of tough stuff happening. Lots of difficult conversations: some of them I wish didn’t have to happen and some of them that I’m glad I had the courage to initiate.

Is it too much to expect that the gravity of it all will just disperse when school starts? And the pain will just go away? But what’s a girl supposed to do?

~Abigail

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