It’s been a rough season for me. I’ve been feeling really sick for the past few weeks. We don’t really understand what’s going on medically. It’s finals week for me, which means pages and pages of writing, and then some endless grading as well. I’m battling the graduate school, the ravenous lion, and all his colleagues over simply being a student in the program next term. Plus, I’m saddened by how many people have become “too busy” to spend time with me any more.
In phone conversations with at least three different people this week, I’ve heard this question: Are you okay Abigail? Are you handling this okay? Ummmm, what if I say no? What are you going to do? Tell me that life sucks sometimes? Tell me to call you another time so I can talk to your voice mail again?
The third time it was just too much. I did it, folks; I said no. Poor Bryan: he was at work several states away. What was he supposed to do? He told me not to beat myself up over it and mumbled something about saying that to his own patients, maybe knowing that it wasn’t helpful. I told him, It’s not that. It’s that I feel like people keep letting me down. They’re there for me until things get complicated or “too much” time has passed and they decide they can’t handle it any more. Then they say, goodbye. Good luck. We know you can do it. That’s hard. He repeated it back to me while he was mulling over the thought. Then his boss walked in and wanted to know why he wasn’t working. (That’s what happens when you make personal phone calls at work.) He said he would be praying and went back to work.
Somehow, it was just helpful to articulate it. That’s where a lot of the extra pain is for me. I’m disappointed. Which means that I had faith in people, and they failed me. Or I thought we were friends unconditionally. I guess that’s not what you had in mind.
It’s not that I’m being unreasonable (at least I don’t think so.) Aaron got really busy with his ordination & his family that came in town for it. Dr. Leo took an extended vacation for Thanksgiving. It’s the people who say I’ll be here when you get better or Well, I tried; you have to give me credit that really bother me.
Not a very uplifting post. But it’s what’s uppermost on my mind. It’s what kept going through my mind last night when I couldn’t sleep.