It’s been a rough season for me. I’ve been stuck in bed a lot. I think I left the house 8 times in the last 11 days: church 3 times, 5 doctors appointments, and campus once. (I did two medical practitioners in one trip.)
Talking to Dr. Leo yesterday, I told him that based on my journals and our past conversations, it seems that I’ve been repeating the same cycle over and over and over again for the past ten months. It feels like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle and not getting anywhere. And it’s frustrating. Aggravating.
But the thing is, every time I have this conversation, I always have to issue the same disclaimer: I am beyond blessed that you’ve taken the time to share your ear, your heart, and your expertise with me. Even though the course of the illness is unbelievably hard to bear, it has made such a big difference to me to have someone(s) next to me through the journey. And I’ve had this same conversation with Dr. Mark and Dr. Samuel in the past week.
I’ve said it over and over again. I think I always will. It makes such a big difference to me that my physicians here not only don’t throw me out of their offices, but also they’ve invited me to become one of the team. My voice matters. When I suffer, the team suffers. That’s been incredibly validating. It’s helped me so much to continue to endure. To be sure, I’ve had terrible physicians. But they’re just a blip on the radar.
I saw this quote recently:
As much as I want the cure, it’s so much more meaningful to me to have friends standing by me, friends who are not afraid to walk down a hard path with me. I know that they care about me in a deep and genuine way. They have to. Otherwise, they’d burn out really quickly. They’re not there because of what I do for them or how much money I (don’t) have. They’re not there because I’m a brilliant scholar or have a great future. They’re there because they care about me. Because it matters to them concerning me.
And I am grateful for God’s amazing provision. Even in the hard times, it’s so obvious that He’s there, caring for me in a particular way, in a way that no one can deny… or forget.
Ever grateful to my Savior,