Of course, don’t feel like you always have to be tough. If things get hard and you don’t know what to do, I’m always here for you. I want you to be strong and happy and for things to get easier so you never need me. I really, really do. And I think you’re moving in that direction. But you’re allowed to feel overwhelmed, to not be strong enough. I’ll be here for you whenever those times come.

The end of a visit with Dr. Samuel. We had talked about how I was feeling, what I was planning to do, how far I’ve come. We talked about change and transitions and uncertainty.

I started crying during the appointment. (I’ve gotten really used to tearing up in front of random people. As long as it doesn’t bother them, then I’m fine. I’ve basically stopped wearing makeup, so I don’t usually have to worry about streaks of color pouring down my face.) Anyhow, I started crying during the appointment. Since I kept talking, Dr. Samuel kept talking. But at some point he said, You know, it’s normal to cry. Transitions are hard. And scary. And it’s okay that you’re spending a lot of time in bed. As long as you’re still doing things like going to doctor’s appointments and applying for jobs and interacting with your friends, that’s fine. You don’t have to be a superhero. You’re doing very well.

So it was a good visit. Except I don’t feel confident the way Dr. Samuel does. I know I’m doing okay right now. But what about tomorrow? Or in an hour? Who’s going to help me if I get buried under all of this? And that’s when he said the above comment.

It felt good. It feel good to have permission not to always have to be strong. It felt good to know that someone had confidence in me. It felt good to know that if something went wrong (which it probably won’t), I have to someone to turn to. It felt good to have someone acknowledge how hard it is to be tough.

Abigail

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